Things seems to different than when I stated this blog a few years back. The intent was never clear. The intent now isn't a blog for the world to see, although maybe a few will somehow find it. This is going to be self indulgent and really just a journal of my journey. I am going to be getting the things I think about out in this form so that I don't forget my inner thoughts.
If you somehow found this and are still reading. Know this, I probably don't know you but I can tell you I love you.
Just recently I have found that I have the capacity to love in a way that I never knew. How I got there will be another story that I will share at some point. However, I now find that when I am out in public I find that everyone I see I want to meet. Race, sex, physical appearance, doesn't matter. I have found that I already have deep feelings for them and I haven't said a word to them.
I have always been a bit of a loner. In the past I was far more guarded. My favorite statement was "I'm an equal opportunity hater". I look back on that person and feel deeply sad. I was never lonely, never really depressed. However, I was never happy either. I had friends and people that cared about me. I was always generous to my friends and family. However, my capacity to love was very small.
Where does this leave me today? I want to share my life with people now. I finally want to get married. I would really love a child, but that is probably not in the cards at my age. However, when it comes to marriage I'm struggling with a couple of things.
When I meet a women now, where do you go when you already love them? I'm already attracted to them from the first hello. I'm talking about single women of age of course. Obviously love can't be the only the only ingredient to a romantic relationship. How do I analyze the relationship I am building (friend, family, or more) into if I want to take that person and make a covenant with God and be with them for the rest of my life. It would be real easy for me to marry the first women that shows interest in wanting to marry me.
I'm going to run into complications with any women. The first being that I want to take things really slow and I don't want them to dress provocatively. I want to know the person, not be distracted by their beauty. I don't want to respect them and not lust after them. This is contrary to societal norms today. I want the next (and only the 2nd women) I have sex with to be the last. To be honest I've found that lust distracts from getting to know the person they are. At this point society has made us believe that sex and love go hand in hand. Nothing can be further from the truth. Sex is the biological instinct to procreate. People have sex all the time because it feels good. Perhaps they are doing it to feel closer to someone or maybe try and heal something inside of them. Sex should, ultimately, be the consummation of the love that you have for yourself and the person you are with. Sex shouldn't be something you engage in because you are physically attracted to someone or feel you must do it or lose that person. If you lose them because they don't want to have sex did you ever really have them?
Right now I may be alone but I don't feel lonely. I know that I am loved by God and his son. Honest, in the long run that is all that matters. I think the women that I decide to make that covenant with with have to know that same thing and will also need to love herself. Personally I think loving yourself is a very difficult thing for most people.
I'll close with this. Love is not love despite what people are saying these days. There are many different kinds of love. One of the more common is unrequited love. Everyone has felt that. Since love is the desire to do something for another with no expectation of reward it shouldn't matter if it's unrequited.
God bless.
-Doug
